How I ruined my sons with my parenting!

As a mum you try to do everything you can to keep your children safe, healthy and independent. Well I accomplished the safe and healthy part pretty well for a single mum with 5 kids on my own or with a partner who was a child as well (got rid of them toot-sweet).

The last one… not so accomplished. I had three girls and two boys. The girls all grew up to be very independent, sometimes overly! But the boys, well that is a different story.

After speaking with my daughter-in-laws, both have been with my sons for a few years, I now understand what I did wrong. Unintentionally of course, but still wrong. Worked for the girls, but not for the boys.

I was one of those mums who’s kids could always say “it’s OK, mum will fix it”. Which in itself isn’t a bad thing. On an all round basis though, it failed. I was very strict with my children and if they were in the wrong they knew about it, but if they were in the right or being taken advantage of, I was a mum on the warpath.

As a bit of background, my oldest child (daughter) had a dad that she never knew or saw, wouldn’t acknowledge her and was absent all of her life. The three next children were of the same dad. He hung around for a while but left while I was pregnant with his third (my fourth) child. These children were a daughter and 2 sons. Then there is my baby daughter. She has a different dad – he was a mistake if ever I saw one – but she was not. He was a hands on dad and she saw him a lot.

So after the middle three child’s dad left, I didn’t really have a dad around for the kids. The youngest child’s dad tried, but he was such an erratic person (due to his drinking) that he wasn’t really a role model or someone I could turn to in times of trouble – it was best for everyone that he didn’t know the half of what was happening in our lives. Therefore, it was me, mum & dad.

My sons therefore, didn’t really have to take any responsibility. I, mum (female) would pay all the bills, make sure there was food on the table, find housing, take kids to school & doctors and anywhere else they needed to go, do the housework, find lost items, clean up, etc etc. From this they lived in a culture where the mum did everything, dads didn’t really have any responsibility, cause mum would fix, clean, organise and arrange everything.

My daughter-in-laws now seem to have that responsibility. My sons are basically lazy people who expect their girlfriends to fix, clean, organise and arrange everything.

I’m not sure how I could have done anything differently though, as I had no-one to share the burden with. I still had to be mum and dad, with the mum part doing everything.

Stop blaming the victim

Reading some posts on Facebook the other day, and someone put up a post saying - brickbats to the person who stole her purse out of her car. Someone else replied with – why would you leave your purse in your car. Really? Seriously? You are asking that question?

I didn’t reply, as people are so nasty on Facebook, but if I did reply, this is what I would have written:

Why did I leave my purse in my car? Because it was MY purse and MY car and I have the RIGHT to put MY purse in MY car and expect it to be there when I go back to it.

The real question is: Why did someone think they had the right to remove MY purse from MY car?

Do not blame the victim! They didn’t do anything wrong (in this instance but it is this instance that I am talking about). The person who is in the wrong is the perpetrator NEVER the victim.

Conduct disorder - Information

Serious and persistent patterns of disturbed conduct and antisocial behaviour predominantly affect boys and comprise the largest group of childhood psychiatric disorders. Conduct disturbance may begin early in childhood, manifesting as oppositional, aggressive and defiant behaviour becoming established during the primary school years and amplifying after puberty. The presence of other psychological disorders is common in these children, with about 30% showing ADHD and learning problems. Clinical depression is also found in about 20% of young people with conduct disorder, and, although controversial, a prospective study suggests that this emotional disturbance is secondary to the conduct disorder.
The clinical features are shown in Box 5. This group of childhood disorders requires vigorous early intervention, assessment and management because, although about a third make a reasonable adjustment, there is evidence that at least half of the young people with serious conduct disorder will continue to experience mental health and psychosocial problems in adult life, such as personality disorder, criminality and alcoholism, and about 5% develop schizophrenia.

Depression - common behaviour

Common behaviour associated with depression includes:
a moodiness that is out of character
a increased irritability and frustration
a finding it hard to take minor personal criticisms
a spending less time with friends and family
a loss of interest in food, sex, exercise or other pleasurable activities
a being awake throughout the night
a increased alcohol and drug use
a staying home from work or school
a increased physical health complaints like fatigue or pain
a being reckless or taking unnecessary risks (e.g. driving fast or dangerously)
a slowing down of thoughts and actions.

Conduct disorder

Symptoms
Persistent disruptive and antisocial behaviour
Hostile, defiant, spiteful, vindictive behaviour
Aggression towards people and animals
Vandalism, fire lighting
Truancy, lying, stealing
Acting alone (about 20%)
Acting with group (about 80%)
Hyperactive (about 30%) and with learning problems (about 50%)
Depression, low self-esteem (about 20%)
Running away from home

Family factors
Social disadvantage
Large family size
Inconsistent, hostile parenting (father's role)
Parental conflict
Foster home/institutional care
Parental mental illness and criminality
Child abuse and family violence
Antisocial peer groups

Management
Early intervention: parenting-skills training
Creating opportunities for success in sport and recreation
Success achievement in educational programs
Behaviour treatment (social skills)
Family therapy for conflict and criticism

Recipe: Lazy Lasagne

Lazy lasagne
Ingredients:
500 g frozen spinach, thawed, drained
375 g reduced fat ricotta cheese
375 g reduced fat cottage cheese
1 X 500g jar pasta sauce
3 cups water
300 g lasagna sheets
1 X 440g can lentils, drained
2 teaspoons dried oregano
1 teaspoon dried basil
1 clove garlic, crushed

Method:
1. Mix spinach with cheese, herbs and lentils.
2. Alternate 3 layers of pasta sauce diluted with water, uncooked lasagne sheets and cheese mixture ending with the sauce.
3. Cover with foil and bake for 75 minutes.
Serves: 10

Recipe: Pasta with chicken & mushrooms

Pasta spirals with chicken and mushrooms
Ingredients:
500 g spiral pasta
500 g skinless chicken breast fillets, chopped into small cubes
200 g mushrooms, quartered
5 spring onions, sliced
1 1/2 tablespoons cornflour
1 X 375 ml can reduced fat evaporated milk
1/2 cup chicken stock
freshly ground black pepper, to taste
canola or olive oil spray

Method:
1. Start cooking the spirals in a large saucepan of boiling water.
2. Spray a non-stick frypan or wok with oil and heat. Cook the chicken over high heat for about 5 minutes or until browned. Remove from the pan and set aside.
3. Reduce the heat to medium, add the mushrooms and spring onions to the pan and cook, stirring frequently, for 3 minutes or until soft.
4. Put cornflour into a small bowl and gradually add 1/3 cup milk, stirring until smooth. Pour the remaining milk and chicken stock into the pan, then gradually add the cornflour mixture, stirring constantly. Keep stirring until the sauce boils and thickens. Season to taste.
5. Stir the chicken mixture into the sauce and gently heat through. When the pasta is al denté (cooked but still firm), drain and serve topped with the sauce.
Serves: 5